By Teo Barrachin ‘27.5

Dear Ms. Mitchell,

I feel compelled to offer my deepest appreciation for your recent piece titled “The Burden of an Unfashionable Boyfriend.” I’ve often discussed the very subject on which you wrote, and your sharp wit and clever remarks perfectly captured my sentiments. It is indeed challenging, and, more to the point, endlessly tragic when one partner’s style lags behind the other’s to a point where the most oblivious observer wonders about the cause of their attraction.

In pursuit of ending the aforementioned scourge, and aiding you, Ms. Mitchell, in fixing your boyfriend, let these facts be submitted to a candid world:

If you're reading this, you're either on your own path to fashion enlightenment, or have been sent this article by a desperate partner; in any case, congratulations, you've taken the first step. To those who remain unconvinced of the benefits of fashion, consider this: your appearance is the basis on which the world judges you. As the only way you communicate with the world without speaking, it is best to avoid looking like a vagrant or, worse, a lost hiker.

Now that you, dear reader, are convinced of the importance of fashion, I can assure you dressing well is far easier than you may think. The following tenets may yet spare you the ire of your stylish partner.

First, ditch the hat. Not only is it rude to wear indoors, but it remains the universal marker of a man on the decline. More to the point, they are rarely attractive. I can promise you that the sun-faded, tattered hat you so dearly cling to is beyond detrimental. A bad haircut is no excuse, nor is bedhead. Pull yourself together.

Second, athletic clothes are just that—for athletics. It doesn't matter if your pants are Arc'teryx, your shirt Lululemon, or sneakers On, they are universally unflattering. Synthetic clothing drapes poorly, carries odors, and looks frumpy. Cotton, wool, and linen are superior alternatives, not only offering improved fit and function, but comfort and durability. If you catch yourself donning sweatpants in a scenario where you will not be sweating, consider jeans, corduroys, or anything that suggests you possess a decent respect for others.

Third, a collar is always preferred. A cotton polo, a rugby, or an Oxford will never go out of style and remains appropriate in most any circumstances. If you must wear a t-shirt, see that it has simple graphics and is a heavier weight cotton. Yes, the world has become more casual, but just because others debase their self-image does not mean you must follow suit.

Last, and most important, choose a looser fit, especially pants. That is not to say you should be drowning in fabric; indeed, tailors exist for this very reason. The taper of your legs must not be reflected in your choice of trousers. Starting at the waist, your pants should fall in a straight line down to the shoe without catching on your body. If they do, try a size up. (If you're built like me, try pleats.) I implore you to wear your pants with a half or a full break; your socks should not be visible when standing.

Dear reader, you have made it to the end. Your self-betterment is up to you (and, admittedly, your wallet). Prudence, indeed, will dictate that with a little care and consideration you can break free from the shackles of poor dress. In that, I have the utmost faith. After all, no one wants to be a horcrux of their ex.

Sincerely,

Teo Barrachin ’27.5

A Burden, No More: A Guide for the Unfashionable Man

The Burden of an Unfashionable Boyfriend