My OCD and My Fashion

By Eleanor Pontikes

Since I was diagnosed with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) when I was eight, I’ve had a complicated relationship with clothing. Healthline describes OCD as “characterized by repetitive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and irrational, excessive urges to do certain actions (compulsions). Although people with OCD may know that their thoughts and behaviors don’t make logical sense, they’re often unable to stop them.”

OCD often conjures up images of people washing their hands obsessively or worrying excessively about germs, but OCD manifests in a myriad of ways and breaks the 'germaphobe only' stereotype daily in the lives of people with it. When I was a child I performed many of the typical compulsions such as extreme handwashing and repeating special words or phrases, but I also had many compulsory actions centered around dressing myself.  

In cycles of distressing thoughts and compulsions, I’d put on and remove an outfit or item of clothing repeatedly, oftentimes struggling to even keep clothes on or try to wear something new. These spirals of worry and compulsive actions caused me to dread getting dressed each day. For people with OCD, oftentimes different textures or the way things fit can trigger feelings of uneasiness or dread. The thought process for someone struggling with OCD is if something feels off, then it has to mean that something is wrong. 

I used to have a hard time wearing the color red. Whenever I was experiencing higher levels of stress or anxiety, if I put on something red, I felt that whatever I was worrying about happening would happen. I knew logically that wearing red wouldn’t affect my life whatsoever, but physically, my body couldn’t shake the feeling of worry. My anxiousness would grow until I had to take off my red jeans or red converse or whatever it was.

 I had certain “safe” outfits that I was comfortable wearing that didn’t feed into my worrying cycle. These outfits were mostly composed of hand-me-downs from my sisters, worn and tried-and-true. I found that clothing’s feeling and texture played a large role in my compulsions as did clothes that were recently bought or were out of my comfort zone. I gravitated towards soft and loose-fitting garments because they typically felt “right.” For years I dreaded mornings because of this frustrating and time-consuming compulsion that got in the way of my day.

With the aid of therapy and time, I’ve grown out of many of my OCD tendencies and continue to address compulsions that I still struggle with. I addressed my difficulty getting dressed in the morning by laying out my outfit for the day the night before. This simple task changed my morning routine and helped me to start my day off right, and diversify my wardrobe and day-to-day outfits in a way that my OCD used to prevent.

 I’ve begun to come to terms with my former OCD tendencies with time and hindsight. I’ve realized that I wasn’t crazy or had something wrong with me as a kid. In fact, millions of people suffer from OCD and have compulsions similar to the ones I experience. Knowing that I’m one of the 2.2 million people in the US diagnosed with OCD has given me some comfort, and I’ve gained so much confidence and pride from dealing with the challenges of anxiety and OCD and making progress with my mental health. 

Now when I shop, I look for different textures, colors, patterns—perhaps making up for the lost time of wearing the same few outfits every week. In college, it’s hard to not throw on the same outfits for the sake of convenience, but at least now I know I won’t spiral if I ever try to switch things up. 

My closet is full of a lot of staple items that I know are flattering and versatile, but also one-of-a-kind items from thrift stores or boutiques that I try to incorporate into my style. Some of my favorite items in my closet are my suede cowboy boots from Heritage Boots in Austin, TX, a SAM. puffer vest, medallion necklace from my baptism, and these tan Wrangler cropped flare jeans that are the perfect combination of utility and style. I used to equate getting out of my comfort zone with worry and being anxiety, but I’ve slowly started to enjoy pushing my boundaries in what I wear.

Fashion has always made me feel. Sometimes Confident. Or Anxious. Or Comfortable. Or Desirable. Or Inspired. Or Strong. How we dress our bodies can determine how we’ll feel for the rest of the day. Every task and occasion is different, but I think our outfits can manifest how we wish to experience life.

I’m part of Clover because I have a longstanding, complicated relationship with what I wear, and I am interested in sharing and learning about other people’s relationships with fashion as well. If you also have a desire to share what fashion means to you, please reach out to me or the Clover team!